An Open Letter To 7 Up:

What are you doing? Seriously. The pussyfication of your brand HAS GOT TO STOP. What sort of market research persuaded your company to actively avoid the entire male population? Now look, I’m not saying you need to go after Halo 3-playing frat guys, but you’re making dudes embarassed to even drink your stuff.

Obviously I made up the concept of 7 Up Estrogen, but I debated even posting the image for fear of exec’s seeing it and thinking it was a brilliant move. Please…don’t use this. My other concept was for “7 Up: Morning After”, the Plan B soft drink.  That actually isn’t an entirely bad idea. But I digress.

Proof of 7 Up’s lady-pandering ways is pretty evident based on their line extensions the past few years. Exhibit A:

Oh my, what a fanciful drink we have here. Labia pink, sparkles a plenty, MIXED BERRY. I do not know one man who would be caught dead holding that can of carbonated sissy. Look! It’s sweetened with Splenda! What a guilt-free drink to grab on your way to Curves. This 7 Up also contains fruit juice, vitamin C, and calcium. No chance of getting osteoporosis on 7 Up’s watch. No siree. 7 Up Plus also comes in Cherry and Island Menstruation…I mean fruit. Island fruit.

Exhibit B is the new Cherry 7 Up. Excuse me: Cherry 7 Up Antioxidant. Who the hell is under the spell that drinking ANY soda is healthy? If you want a healthy drink, you’re going to down some carrot juice or something, not sugar water. 7 Up contains fruit juice, but it clocks in at around 5%. The mere fact they’re allowed to label it as containing fruit juice is a joke. My bowel movements probably contain more fruit juice in it, and I’m on a strict vodka tonic diet. You can’t even buy regular Cherry 7 Up now. It’s all this antioxidant crap. Not that it affects the taste or anything, but the concept just bugs me. I can just envision some stupid broad taking a look at the label and babbling about free radicals and how this will help in her breast cancer prevention regimen. So annoying.

It wasn’t always this way. I remember a somewhat cooler 7 Up, with a sly little sunglass-wearing red dot full of attitude who hopped out of the logo and right into our hearts:

Remember Cool Spot?! Yeah, they made a videogame out of 7 Up’s mascot and released it for the SNES, Genesis, PC, and a variety of other consoles.  Now those were the good old days.  The game was even considered a commercial  success and spawned a few sequels. Look at that little dude. He’s ready to rip your motherfucking face up if you cross him. That’s the kind of 7 Up I want, not the frilly lace abomination it has become.

The beginning of this decade started out with a glimmer of hope for old 7 Up. They released dnL (it’s upside down 7 Up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) which was kind of good. Much like the opposite sketches on You Can’t Do That On Television, this drink was all topsy turvy from the original 7 Up. Normal 7 Up was clear and came in a green bottle, so dnL was green and came in a clear bottle. 7 Up was lemon-lime, so dnL would be lime-lemon.  As you can tell, it was almost annoyingly clever. While it was discontinued in 2005, like all worthwhile beverages, it retains a cult following. Oh, and it wasn’t aimed at menopausal women.

This was supposed to be an open letter to 7 Up. Let me get back on track here.  Marketing a drink toward females is fine. But let’s not go overboard and alienate men from all of your products. Go ahead and keep your Antioxidant and Calcium infused drinks, but maybe bring back dnL, or introduce 7 Up With Monoxidil or something. 7 Up + Enzyte?

Thanks for your time!

Signed,

America